Last year my mum, who is 81 years old, was diagnosed with dementia. For the last 10 months she has slowly changed from the person we knew all our lives. She is still in the early stages of dementia but has changed so much and needs more care than she will allow us to give her which proves frustrating. I want her to keep her dignity as long as possible.

Others who see her breifly do not see a great change, but they don't get the repeated phone calls and the same story told over and over again.

My husband and I are the only ones who live near enough to care for here so we face it all.

I love my mum dearly but do struggle. Christmas was very difficult. Presents etc became a trial however we managed it.

I feel as if every aspect of my life is permiated with my mothers needs, Does that sound selfish?

Dear Susan.
I have just read your email. I had to go downstairs and think about it as my heart goes out to yoy. My experience was with my husband so I have telephoned a dear friend of mine who has had a similer experience to you and she will write to you too.

I can only send you a few suggestions that might help.

1 If ever you get an offer with help - ACCEPT IT111 - you only need a few friends but taking your Mum for a cup of tea somewhere else will allow you to switch off fractionally and it makes a world of difference.

2. After you have spent aged being really, really nice to your Mum to get her to comply you have permission to go into the garden and swear and curse at the sky. It helps!!!

3. Try to get advice from the doctor or a social worker or the clinic where your mother was diagnosed about the official stuff - Power of Attorney (or however you spell it)as it is important you get these matters settled before your Mum becomes too poorly. A soliciter might be the one your mother takes notice of.

4. Try to find out if there a day centre your mother could attend. I never thought my husband would go but I told him he was going there to work and that did the trick. Perhaps you can think of something.

5. Make sure your mother's neighbours have your phone number as they may need to contacy you or even her doctor.

It is difficult but you have to explore all possibilities as you don't want some awful disaster to happen before the authorities have to step in. I had excellent help in Cardiff once I kew where to find it. You have my sincere sympathy as I really do know how difficult it is. Please write again as you must never feel you are on your own with this. I must stop now as I have just discovered that these web site automatically close down if one stays on them too long. Keep in touch - Please don't let you and your husband be on your own.
Yours
Jill.

hi Susan
I cared for my mum for a long time and feel for you. I called it swimming in treacle !No one was in control.Mum treated me as though I was bossey or stupid,and how would I know anything I was just a child!(I had three children and a husband)Until I realized I would get know where with mum by telling her things i.e You must eat your food,or bath,or put your coat on etc.I needed to relearn how to convers with my own Mother.I learned to deflect the same old story my breaking in to the conversation and bringing her thoughts to a happy time in her life,it worked sometimes. We respect our parents and try to keep their dignity at all times as you so rightly said but there needs to be a role reversal where the child becomes the parent and the parent becomes the child(or the cared for one)then things begin to form a pattern. You are not selfish because you are a carer,you need to be able to rest and eat properly for your own well being. b