I have been caring for my mum for eight years now. She is ninety and has vascular dementia. I am luckier than most in that I have a sister who looks after her in the mornings so I can work part-time but I am finding it harder and harder to come home each day. While I do everything necessary to look after my mum, I just don't seem to be able to smile for her anymore. She is so sweet but I am so tired of having to say the same things day in, day out. I feel that I am letting her down, she was such a wonderful mum and I couldn't put her in a home but I don't know what to do anymore.

Hello Jeannie.

Sorry I haven't replied sooner but I've been thinking a lot about your email and its difficult for me to come up with any easy solution - obvious really as you would probably thought of it yourself. It seems to me that you are pretty much at the end of your tether. It also seems to me that somehow or another you have got to permit yourself a break. You didn't mention in your email whether or not you have had any help from outside but there most certainly is help out there.

Would your mum be able to cope with a few days of respite care or is she too frail? Has she got a social worker who could give you some advice? The trouble is, as I know from experience, when you look after someone with vascular dementia on your own while they live in their own world and are not aware of the stresses and strains on other people, you in the meantime are suffering from enormous stress and strain so that in the end you will become the one who is ill! What good does that do? All I can suggest is that you get some help with your mum before you are the one who is needing it! It clear from your email that you are already doing all you possibly can for her so do you have to feel bad about getting a little extra help? No,dear lady, I don't think you do. You can only be admired for coping as long as you have.