"Dementia is easy to say and easy to write but not so easy to understand"
my elderly father with dimentia
Back
my mum cannot cope anymore, she isnt getting any sleep as my father is up all night looking for whiskey, he has the early stages of dimentia but the whiskey is not helping, if my mum doesnt get it for him he is abusive and threatening to go his self, he cannot walk far and she is frightened of him falling, she has had him assessed and they have offered her a few hours a week at a day centre for him but he really needs to go into a home for her to have some rest bite, does anyone know how we can get help with this, before my mum ends up collapsing i fear for both of them and go over as much as i can, but i am working and cannot be there at night to help, if you can get some sleep you can cope but my mum has not had a nights full sleep for months now, the doctors have told my dad to stop drinking but that is all he wants to do, when he has one he forgets his had it and wants another please help we are at the end of our tether.
Dear Paula.
Goodness me, you and your mum have certainly got a lot on your plates. I don't know how much I can help but I will try.
First of all the whisky. As you, I am sure, realise there is no way of reasoning with your father about this. My husband became obsessive about stuff though fortunately it wasn't whisky though it quite easily could have been. On the other hand the lack of sleep is something I totally identify with. While he has this obsession with whisky there is one thing I think I would have done. Why not, when he isn't looking (I know how difficult that can be but maybe you and your mum can work it between you) take the whisky bottle and add a drop of water. Shake it up and if he doesn't notice, the next day add a drop more and so on. As long as he sees the bottle, sees the colour and tastes the flavour he probably won't be aware that it is not as strong! If he notices anything then tell him it is a different brand. It's worth a try. Professionals might say that it is inappropriate but they are not the ones who have to cope!
Also why not try distracting him. When he asks for it suddenly become fascinated with something that is on the television. Talk about it to him and maybe after a while the thought of the whisky will have gone out of his head. I used that sort of thing a lot. Suddenly I would see an amazing bird in the garden, a plane flying overhead, an unusual coloured car - anything to try and put his mind somewhere else. It's tricky but I got into the habit of it and it usually worked. Anything's worth a try!!
I totally agree that it is respite that your mother needs - if only to get a few night's solid sleep! I got respite for my husband through the social worker who had been given the job of monitering him. You really should have one for him if he has been assessed. Make a fuss. Make a stand. Go with your mother to the doctor and make him see the level of your mother's difficulty. The surgery may have a 'carers champion'. Speak to her.
Also, accept the day centre offer. Then he is in the system and people there will see the level of his illness. You can then ask them for addvice about a social worker. Make use of the system and accept all the help you can get !!! My husband became obsessive about undoing and doing up the zip of his flies and it didn't matter where we were. How did I resolve the problem once it dawned on me? I bought him joggers. No zip!! Phew - problem solved!!!!
It is so easy for me to say these things but I am not the one having to cope with it. You and your mother are. I did cope with it until one day my doctor told me I could no longer do it on my own and asked me for the name of my social worker. From then on I had proper professional help right through the following four years until he died. All I can say, and it is advice I was given - accept all the help you can get.
My very best regards to you and your mother.
Jill
Goodness me, you and your mum have certainly got a lot on your plates. I don't know how much I can help but I will try.
First of all the whisky. As you, I am sure, realise there is no way of reasoning with your father about this. My husband became obsessive about stuff though fortunately it wasn't whisky though it quite easily could have been. On the other hand the lack of sleep is something I totally identify with. While he has this obsession with whisky there is one thing I think I would have done. Why not, when he isn't looking (I know how difficult that can be but maybe you and your mum can work it between you) take the whisky bottle and add a drop of water. Shake it up and if he doesn't notice, the next day add a drop more and so on. As long as he sees the bottle, sees the colour and tastes the flavour he probably won't be aware that it is not as strong! If he notices anything then tell him it is a different brand. It's worth a try. Professionals might say that it is inappropriate but they are not the ones who have to cope!
Also why not try distracting him. When he asks for it suddenly become fascinated with something that is on the television. Talk about it to him and maybe after a while the thought of the whisky will have gone out of his head. I used that sort of thing a lot. Suddenly I would see an amazing bird in the garden, a plane flying overhead, an unusual coloured car - anything to try and put his mind somewhere else. It's tricky but I got into the habit of it and it usually worked. Anything's worth a try!!
I totally agree that it is respite that your mother needs - if only to get a few night's solid sleep! I got respite for my husband through the social worker who had been given the job of monitering him. You really should have one for him if he has been assessed. Make a fuss. Make a stand. Go with your mother to the doctor and make him see the level of your mother's difficulty. The surgery may have a 'carers champion'. Speak to her.
Also, accept the day centre offer. Then he is in the system and people there will see the level of his illness. You can then ask them for addvice about a social worker. Make use of the system and accept all the help you can get !!! My husband became obsessive about undoing and doing up the zip of his flies and it didn't matter where we were. How did I resolve the problem once it dawned on me? I bought him joggers. No zip!! Phew - problem solved!!!!
It is so easy for me to say these things but I am not the one having to cope with it. You and your mother are. I did cope with it until one day my doctor told me I could no longer do it on my own and asked me for the name of my social worker. From then on I had proper professional help right through the following four years until he died. All I can say, and it is advice I was given - accept all the help you can get.
My very best regards to you and your mother.
Jill
My father is 94 and lives alone. He has macular degeneration, diverticulitus and osteo arthritus. My sister and I visit him. I got once a week and take turns with occasional twice a week. My sister does the same. He lives alone. His dance partner used go around with him she now lives with her son in wiltshire. She has lived in wiltshire about 8 years now. My father has had a few falls. My sister has a four bedroomed house but doesnt want him to live with her as he causes trouble with her husband. I cannot have my dad with live me as my husband has had numerous hospital visits since I retired last year at 60. My husband had a major operation in November to remove benign cancer from pancrea. We are also selling my son's flat which is ours.I am not sleeping and have been taking sleeping tablets for a week. I would go to bed at 12.00 and not sleep until maybe 4.00 or 5.00 in the morning. My father will not go into a home and maybe I wouldnt want too. He has carers who go every morning and the afternoons except when we go. He will not let the carers cook for him. He cooks before they come. He now gets up earlier than he used in the mornings to make sure he cooks his meals before they come. He would like us to see him every day. I am very tired. My daughter moved to cornwall with his partner and our two grandchildren for a better life. I didnt stop them but we was heartbroken. I do wish things were different. He wants us to move near her but my son is single and then theres my dad and we feel we cannot leave. Dad sometimes phones me up instead of my sister. We are just taking every day as it comes.
Dear Patricia.
As I read your letter I found I had to keep returning to your first sentence. Your father is 94 and lives alone. Wow! Cooking his own food too! Who washes up and does his housework?
I cannot give you much advice about your situation as my experience is in the coping with and managing of loved ones with dementia which is, as I am sure you understand, a specific illness. I do feel extremely sympathetic for your situation though and it is surely wearing you down.
The only suggestion I would make is for you not to be quite so anti the idea of your father going into full time care.
We hear some bad things in the press about care homes but, believe me, they are the rarities. The vast majority are caring, cmpassionate places where the staff have had skilled training in how to care for people in your father's situation.
You have got so much to cope with and you know yourself that at this rate, you will be the one who will need medical help.
I can say no more as anything else would be interfering but think hard about this and do it while looking at your own face reflected in your mirror. Sometimes you simply have to put yourself in the frame.
Best regards
Jill.
As I read your letter I found I had to keep returning to your first sentence. Your father is 94 and lives alone. Wow! Cooking his own food too! Who washes up and does his housework?
I cannot give you much advice about your situation as my experience is in the coping with and managing of loved ones with dementia which is, as I am sure you understand, a specific illness. I do feel extremely sympathetic for your situation though and it is surely wearing you down.
The only suggestion I would make is for you not to be quite so anti the idea of your father going into full time care.
We hear some bad things in the press about care homes but, believe me, they are the rarities. The vast majority are caring, cmpassionate places where the staff have had skilled training in how to care for people in your father's situation.
You have got so much to cope with and you know yourself that at this rate, you will be the one who will need medical help.
I can say no more as anything else would be interfering but think hard about this and do it while looking at your own face reflected in your mirror. Sometimes you simply have to put yourself in the frame.
Best regards
Jill.
